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I'm Sarah, 17 and live in New Jersey. I consider myself witty but I'm really contradicting myself with this description because I sound really dull and not humorous whatsoever.

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• *Hears noises at night*: Well this is it, this is the end for me. I had a good life.
• *Gets shampoo in my eyes*: I guess I'm blind now. How am I going to go on? Holy shit!
• *Heart is beating fast*: I think I am having a heart attack. Is this what cardiac arrest is?
• *A cop walks by*: Here I go, about to get arrested. I probably murdered someone. I'm sure they know about when I smoked that one time.
• *Taking a test*: Don't take your eyes off of this paper you will get caught cheating and get kicked out of school.
• *Gets a sunburn*: Skin cancer.

(Source: mermaidcunt, via askinnyblackman)

sofapizza:

i learned how at the lamp store.

(Source: letthemhearit, via askinnyblackman)

(Source: tastefullyoffensive, via askinnyblackman)

snoopy409:

WHY DID YOU GET ME A LICENSE IF YOU DON’T TRUST ME TO DRIVE MOM

(via askinnyblackman)

(Source: briqskwaud, via laughoutloudgma)

(Source: gyllenhaalism, via violentblowjobs)

(Source: fassyy, via oafmeal)

thedailyfeed:

This Memorial Day, we took a look back at how the U.S. soldier has evolved over the years. Did you know camouflage wasn’t introduced until the end of World War II? 

(via stonedelk)

(via askinnyblackman)